Frozen

Do you ever get in one of those frozen states? I don’t mean cold frozen, but “unable to do anything” frozen. You know what to do, what you should do, what you need to do, and what should have been done already. But you’re frozen. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately, and I don’t know why. Am I depressed? Am I missing some nutrient? Not getting enough sleep? Frustrated by home and financial pressures? Maybe all of the above.

Without knowing the problem, it’s a hard problem to fix. I was reading an article about mental health issues the other day, and although I sort of dismissed it at the time, I think mental health issues are not absolute. I don’t think I have “mental health issues”. But maybe I’m not mentally healthy either.

Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash

When i started this blog I did not intend on getting too personal, but I’ll share a piece of my life. I won’t mention details. All I will say is my husband and I were having some serious problems a few years ago, and although on the surface we have worked them out, underneath I still think about them everyday. Not always consciously, but I feel those thoughts manifest in other ways. Agitation. Frustration. A need for change. He would never read this, I hope, but I would be lying if I did not say I often feel like I just want out. I don’t know where I want to go, or what I want to do, but most days I know my life as it is, is not what I want. But I should be grateful for what I have. Despite our problems, I have a husband who loves me and of course, my everything… Lily.

I must also admit to feeling a little stupid. Just the other day I was writing how tough and principled I was. How I wouldn’t spend a moment in a job I didn’t like or with people I didn’t like. And here I am, living a life I’m not happy with. Frozen. I’m a hypocrite. I want to say beautifully flawed.

But maybe I’m thinking too deeply. Maybe it’s nothing a multivitamin can’t fix. I would say I’ll just sleep a little more, but I have difficulty sleeping. And I suppose that kind of answers my question of what it could be. More sleep. But how? I won’t use drugs to help me sleep. Not that I’m afraid of medicine. If I’m in pain the more pills the better is what I say. But drugs to sleep just make me groggy, not just at night, but the next day and it seems to carry on and on and on. I do meditate, but I’m not good at it. And even though I search for presence, and the lack of thought, I can’t deny I always have a lot on my mind.

If there’s one good thing about feeling this way it’s that apparently,people who are confused or stuck in a rut are talented, intelligent and ambitious. And that’s what I keep telling everyone. I’m intelligent and ambitious. I don’t know so much about the talented part =) Anyway, I can’t remember where I read it but I remember something about the small rope that ships use to throw ashore so someone can pull the heavy one. Getting unfrozen is kind of like that. Before we can haul all of ourselves out of our stupor, we need something small, something simple, and most importantly something that does not overwhelm us. I was kind of hoping this blog post would be my small rope. My small gesture to get me moving, and maybe it has been. We’ll see. I kind of feel like picking up my guitar. Unproductive I know, but better than the endless trap that’s social media or another show on TV.

Sorry, I don’t have any wisdom or epiphany to end today’s post. If I had to say one thing though, it’s that if you find yourself feeling frozen or stuck, I promise you. You are not alone.

~Les

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